Tonight I watched one of the more recent episodes of Grey's Anatomy (what used to be a guilty pleasure, now just one of my regular dramas that I hang on to) and I was struck by the same realization that Meredith had, I too share the same question. What do I want? But here's the thing, hers is a character who has seen everything, as a doctor she's seen the spectrum of what mankind has to offer, extreme caring all the way to pure hate. As a wife and mother she's experienced infertility and widowhood. As a woman she has experienced pain, abandonment, rejection, betrayal and so so much more. She is a woman of extremes. What do I have in common with this fictional character when it comes to anything? I am a wife with a wonderful husband and two small children, all living and for the most part "easy" to handle. I have a job that challenges me, faith that sustains me, and a decent amount of health. Do I know pain? Yes, but no where close to the degree that this woman has. Then why is it that I relate to her so, even enough to write about it?

I think that a lot of women struggle with the same. Exact. Question. What else do I want? We've gotten this far. Our goals as teens, as young women were to establish a career, to find the One, to become a mother, to become a mother of more than one, to learn, to get degrees, etc. At this point in my life though, I am those things. I have two degrees one with three majors. I did find the one and we have two lovely children. Now. What? I am struck with the feeling of "what is left of my dreams?" Now that I have accomplished many if not all of the goals I had set out to reach, who am I? What do I want?

This is something that I keep coming back to. I don't want the rest of my life to be driven by my surroundings, I want to answer the deeper desires of my heart, ones that are just for me, not mostly for those around me. Of course I have dreams for my children, for my husband, but what is it that I dream of? Sleep? A good meal that isn't shared with little hands who, though they have the same thing on their plate, find that mommy's food is the best? Though these are wonderful things, there is still deeper parts of who I am that need a voice.

And so I am reminded by a super secular show to keep seeking after the deeper desires of my heart, rooted in the faith that sustains me. What is going to feed me? Who am I besides a mother? A wife? A worker? I wish that I had an answer, but I guess as I watch my children discover this world, I too need to be rediscovering my own heart.